Hello! It is my pleasure to be back interviewing Zuri Walker as we document her journey abroad and into self. Zuri, it’s been quite some time, we were beginning to worry!
Yes, I know. I have no excuse, I can only ask for forgiveness. There has been so much happening on my journey within, in a way it was too much to document. It was all I could do just to be with things as they were unfolding to me!
I suppose. Well, yes, because I have been literally diving into the deepest depths of my core!
And what have you found?
But of course. But what is different about this new-found you over the old you?
Now that is the question! I suppose I have been able to now clearly distinguish between my thoughts and actions that stem from my core, my spirit, and those where I am acting out of my ego’s needs.
Hmmm, say more.
Well, I’ve come to understand that we all have these broken records that we play inside, tied to our personal insecurities. These broken records often become the dominant motivator behind our thoughts and actions. We may seek to have nice things (clothes, cars, etc) because we may believe it says something about our success and worth to others. But why do we have a need for that? That is really stemming from a sense of lack, or wholeness deep inside. Someone irks or offends us from something they say or do. I have now learned to question if it is really what that person said or did, or did it just trigger a deeper personal issue that we may face?
Wow. Now you’re getting really deep.
Yes, I suppose so. But I’ve come to understand that all too often we don’t allow ourselves the time or space to explore our truest deepest selves. In our fast-paced worlds, all we have time to do is react, react, and react! Or we harbor on the past, or plan for the future. But we never allow ourselves to REALLY be in the moment of our lives! It’s like I was never really living because I never allowed myself to really FEEL, or be present to what was happening in the here and now, for better or worse. I admit, when you start really being present with yourself, and seeing whats really there, sometimes, its not pretty!
Hmm, I don’t think that many people like to deal with that side. Maybe that’s why we avoid?
Of course! Its much easier to get sucked into meaningless drama, blame someone else for our problems, or just numb it all with food, substances, or TV. Sitting and facing our deepest, darkest sides starts out really tough.
Yes, it only starts out that way. But there’s light at the end of the tunnel! You reach a deeper level of self-love and acceptance, thus freedom when you come to understand and accept that its all part of us, and its beautiful! Those silly broken records that we play and often live aren’t the real us. So identifying them just frees you to be the real you.
I’m not sure I understand.
Ok, I’ll use myself as an example. (Something I wouldn’t have done in the past out of fear of exposing myself too much!) However, through the wonderful transformational retreat that I went on, BoundlessBlissBali.com, I was able to identify the vast majority of my broken records that I play. My most popular, and most played broken records revolve around the following:
1. I need to be seen as perfect
2. I’m not smart enough
3. I’m not beautiful enough
4. People won’t accept and/or include me
It was tough to face these records. But through first identifying them, and then sitting and working through them, I’ve been able to see them for the silly broken records that they are. You may read these and think how absurd that I would ever think these things about myself. But all of our broken records are absurd, because they’re just not true, hence being silly broken records! But to us, they are very real, very deep-rooted fears that drive so many, if not most of our actions and reactions. Its easy to first deny that is the case. But sit with it, start to really consider the driving forces and fears behind why you do things, and your deeper rooted fears will start to unfold. Think about what your broken records might be.
Hmmm… that is a lot to sit with!
Yes, but its been one of the most valuable lessons learned from my trip!
So does this mean that you no longer have any more broken records?
Oh gosh, no! To my disappointment, I came to see that they weren’t going to just go away. BUT, now, I am in a place to step out of my head and identify them for what they are, almost real-time. And I am finding that they do play less often now.
Can you give us an example?
I was at a pot-luck dinner (we do a lot of those here, in Ubud, Bali!) talking with friends about a series of upcoming events. I went to one of my friends who was planning one of these events and began asking her for clarification. In a somewhat short manner, she suggested I go ask one of our other friends. I felt like she was brushing me off, felt a pang of embarrassment for receiving what I perceived as the ‘brush-off’ and immediately started having a series of judgmental thoughts about her, like, “she’s getting really full of herself these days.” With the old Zuri I might have began to feel a bit distanced from her because of that, and might have even responded a bit in-kind in future interactions until the feelings faded. But this time, I decided to go within. I asked myself why such a small, minor event, struck inside. I realized it was tying to my broken record, “people won’t include me.” And my natural response to cope with that was to attack her, even if only in my mind. I reminded myself that the broken record was false, and that completely changed how I saw and experienced the entire situation. At a later time I even went back and spoke to her about it, explaining how I felt, and why (my broken record). She then explained why she reacted the way she did, as a means to not offend the other person present at the time, which shed a whole new light on her actions.
This is such a small example, but I have come to realize that this is what we deal with day-in, day out with our friends, family, and strangers. We react to what others do “to us” based on our broken records, when often they are playing out their own broken records!
Wow, that’s crazy. You’ve given us a lot to think about.
How about we digest that, and come back (shortly) for a follow-up interview, perhaps hearing more about some of your day-to-day activities as the newly transformed Zuri?
I think that sounds like a great idea!
And yes, now that I got that big part out, I promise to be back more actively with my postings!
Also, can I make a request?
Through my blog I often feel like I am really putting myself out there, but do so because I want to share what my journey is really like, with the hopes that maybe it can positively impact others. For me, sharing some of the deeper battles that I deal with takes exposure to a whole new level. I would really like to hear back from readers regarding how they FELT about what they read. Did it stir or trigger anything? Did anything resonate? Did it even make sense?? lol So feel free to comment, or even send me a private email (firstname.lastname@example.org)!!
I think thats a great idea! Thanks again for sharing so much of you, as always, Zuri, and we look forward to chatting again very soon!!!